Cannon Duncan, 73, transitioned to the everlasting last weekend. He leaves behind his loving wife Sasha and two long term mistresses, Teresa and Tootie, all of Country Grove. Dunk as his close friends called him was an avid runner. He was a vegan, never smoked, never turned down a drink yet never paid for a round. He was known to be a bit of a man whore. At the time of his death, he leaves behind 12 children and 3 possible (DNA tests are still pending) 26 grandchildren and 4 great-grands. His grandchildren affectionately called him Grand Dunk. They will remember him most for teaching them dirty jokes and making their noses disappear.
Mr. Duncan died at Shady Pines nursing home. He was there recovering from a hip fracture as a result of being hit by a motor vehicle. The driver, Sasha Duncan, hit her husband on the way home from the grocery store as she saw him on his morning run. He was running towards one of his long term mistress’ home. Mrs. Duncan claims that she swerved to miss a dog that darted out into the road and she was unable to break in time to avoid hitting him. She explained that she tried not to hit the dirty dog. The incident is still under investigation.
Mr. Duncan’s official cause of death is a massive heart attack. What really happen was a lethal mixture of Viagra, blood pressure medication and a copious amount of Jose Cuervo in his system. His oldest son, Cannon Duncan Jr., stated that his father died liked he lived. Although his grandchildren loved him, most people described Mr. Duncan was a bit of an asshole. He was a bad tipper, a loud drunk and generally just rude. But they all said he will he missed.
A memorial will be held for Mr. Duncan at his home. Not many people are expected to be in attendance. His brother, Carter Duncan, stated that the selfish bastard didn’t leave a will so the family will be dealing with his shit for years. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to Sasha Duncan’s legal defense fund.